i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
