I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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