Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
