I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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