We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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