The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
