batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
