I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
