I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
