I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
