so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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