Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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