last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
