Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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