I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
