Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
