i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
