im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
