so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
