12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
