i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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