i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
