No stitches, just platelets and will power
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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