when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
