I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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