It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
