I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
