Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
