I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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