I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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