i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
