70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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