I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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