she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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