I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
