I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
