So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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