seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
