I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
