I met the friendliest cop last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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