During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
