Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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