I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
