Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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