Can i not drive my cunt home
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
