she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
