There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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