Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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