Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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