dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
