Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
